Mixtape 2003
Music, it’s my job, it’s my passion and it’s my life. A hefty opening sentence I know but music has offered me so much throughout my life. It has helped me through break ups, my parents divorce and it has offered me a platform to share my writing.
My dad never listens to music, I'm not sure why, maybe it reminds him of people he wants to forget. My mum listens to music with deep meaning and lyrics that can cut through you, she uses music to remember. I wasn’t raised on music like I wanted to be so i’ve had to go through some very awkward phases that I don’t wish to share with you.
My headphones have to be charged every few days due to the amount of time I spend listening to old music, new music and sometimes very shit music. I have been sent songs from past boyfriends with some of the most soul-destroying lyrics “I certy don’t love you, now get out my face” (Cosmo Pyke, Wish You Were Gone). I was with him for two years and he ruined so many songs for me.
Notes to Music
It irritates me how much music reminds me of certain times in my life,
Times I would like to grieve and times I would like to simply forget. How I’ve been told that a song is about me
and it has the most heart-shattering lyrics I have ever heard,
and
That is a memory I would like to forget.
Music should calm me, soothe me It should allow me to block everything out
But when it reminds me of you, I would rather go deaf.
Blurred Lines By Robin Thicke
Robin Thicke recorded one of the most controversial songs of all time, but for 10 year old me it was a banger. I obviously didn’t know the meaning behind the lyrics but it was played on my iPod Nano over 100 times which raised some concern with my mum, who then banned the song from ever entering through my ear drums again.
It repeats “I know you want it” 18 whole times. That is something I have heard a fair few times in my life. The whole song glorifies rape culture as well as one of the models from the raunchy music video, Emily Ratajkowski alleged that Thicke groped her breasts on the set. She was surrounded by fully clothed men whilst her costume consisted of nothing. “With that one gesture, Robin Thicke had reminded everyone on set that we women weren’t actually in charge.” (1). I have a lot of respect for women who report their abusers, I've never been able to do it. I’m not sure why, I think I’m worried about the backlash that comes with it, the investigations and especially talking to the police.
“I know you want it”
I was 10, 14, 18 and then I was 19.
I never said yes. I never wanted it. Yet to have that power means so much to people, to take away something so personal to me and use it for their gain. I’ve never understood that, what has happened to them in their life for them to turn into this person?
All I think about when I hear this song is the time I was slammed against a wall of a friends hallway, fingers tightening around my throat and my vision going dark, for me to wake up to my Halloween costume around my ankles and a bleeding thumb that he had bitten “sexually”. I had to learn self defence after that. I had to spend £60 to learn how to get out of certain situations like that night. The instructor pinned me against the wall, with my permission, but all I could think about was giving up, just like I did that night. I felt powerless, weak and like a woman who was about to get sexually assaulted, yet again. £60 to revisit one of the worst nights of my life, but don’t worry I now know the correct way to knee someone in the balls.
“I know you want it”
I’ve met men in my life who do not understand the power the word “no” should hold. Whether it’s my dad when he steps into farm food and can’t help himself buy a multipack of sugar-free monster or when the old man at the bar on a Saturday night wants to buy you a drink. Robin Thicke knew what he was doing when he wrote that song, he knew he was ripping off Marvin Gaye and him turning up to the set for the music video inebriated. Thicke and Pharrell had to pay five million to Marvin Gaye’s estate in the final ruling. (2)
Loosing Faith In Humanity
I always notice the constant stares,
Sexual or not they still pierce holes through my self-confidence
As well as the side commentary that comes with walking down the street in a dress,
Or the deep examination of my legs covered in art with disgust plastered on their faces.
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Something was off this day, I could feel it,
And I was right.
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Random hands roam once again and anger fills me once again,
Yet another man whom I judged incorrectly.
My humanity being stripped away each second his hand stays burning onto my lower back,
Just another normal day for me.
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I remembered how pretty I felt before I left through the front door and not even an hour later,
I was nothing more than a trophy on that guy’s shelf.
I’m just starting to lose faith,
In Humanity
Where Is My Mind by The Pixies
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People forget that this song had significance before it was in Fight Club (1999). I remember watching that film with the first boy I loved. He had watched it before so he just sat the entire way through watching my facial expressions change as the plot unfolded. The song was actually written after Black Francis, the lead singer, went snorkeling in the Caribbean (3), it’s about how he felt in that moment underwater, the uncertainty of it all. The pixies are renowned for their lyrics being left up to interpretation “Half the songs I've written, I had no idea what I was talking about. Certainly, anything that appears into the abstract, I don't know.” (4). People believe this song is about manic thinking and drifting away, hence why it was used in Fight Club and other films that highlight mental illness’ such as Sucker Punch (2011) and It’s Kind of a Funny Story (2010).
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I was 14 when I was diagnosed with severe anxiety, I was pumped with propranolol which is a beta blocker, made to slow your heart rate down. I stopped using them after I realised it was making me more visibly anxious, my hands were clammy and trembled at the smallest action. Getting diagnosed with depression was a completely different story. I had been refused medication for years on end, I had been told “Your brain is still developing” “It’s just your hormones” “I don’t want to medicate you because it may affect your sex life” (I was 15 when my doctor told me that).
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My nan took me to the doctors herself when she noticed my absence to conversations and little amount I was doing to look alive. After sitting down with a different doctor, I was told that it was my contraceptive pill that was making me depressed. I had been depressed for longer than I had been on that medication. No one would listen. It took me moving 300 miles away to get the proper attention, after four years of pleading my case I was finally heard. The tablets do fuck all but it’s the thought that counts.
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Throughout the past two years of my life I've come to understand myself better. I know the warning signs, I know when depressive episodes are coming. Being “manic” for me is slightly different to what you may read on the world wide web. I know that at the end of my bouncy, over excited episode its going to turn into one of the most depressive episodes of my life. The more manic I am means the more depressed I will be. I have tried to get mental health help but as a working class student who can’t even afford a McDonald’s that seems unlikely.
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Dissociation is something I struggle to explain. It’s like walking around in third person, I am so unaware of myself yet incredibly aware of my body. I loose all sense of myself, “feet in the air and your head on the ground” are lyrics from “Where Is My Mind” and sadly I resonate with them. People in the music industry use their platforms to tell people how they are feeling, like a diary your counsellor makes you keep.
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my weird tells
i get happy when i see my dirty plates and bowls because it means i’ve ate,
when i see my bed made it means i actually got out of it today,
a smile on someone’s face to tell me i might of just made their day.
i like to see clothes in my wash bag as it shows i’ve actually left the house,
or when i bump into some in the street and they ask how i am,
i don’t mind seeing less money in my account if it means i’ve had fun.
it’s the damp towels hung up after i’ve just showered
or the feeling of accomplishment after doing something i’ve been putting off for so long
it’s weird that i find comfort in small things
but it means i’m still alive,
i’m still here,
making a mess in the kitchen and leaving puddles of water on the floor when i get out the shower.
Back To Black by Amy Winehouse
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Amy Winehouse is one of my favourite artists of all time. I have her ‘Back to Black’ album on vinyl and her first album ‘Frank’ on CD. I see myself in her, which is slightly worrying. Her songs are sadly relatable at times with lyrics that talk about alcoholism, relationships and the problems she has faced throughout life, her music was cryptic to the naked ear.
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This was my top played song of 2022. The song is about a boyfriend going back to their ex abruptly after the breakup, making her feel like she never mattered. Funnily enough, the first person I ever loved broke up with me and very soon after got with the girl he told me not to worry about. They are still together to this day.
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I am not a very jealous person, I like to think, but this girl pulled at my strings. She flirted with him in front of me, in my own home and she even made a move onto me when I wasn’t 100% sure about my sexuality making me incredibly uncomfortable. I never told him to stop being friends with her but for him to respect my feelings. He didn’t. “He left no time to regret, kept his dick wet with his same old safe bet” very relatable.
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This song is the title track, so it must of had an emotional effect on her for it to become the main focus point of the award winning album. Amy struggled with substance abuse and it was very documented through tabloids. I couldn’t think of anything worse than all your downfalls being documented, I'm just glad social media wasn’t as topical as it is today.
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She joined the 27 club (5) which is a group of iconic artists who lost their lives too early, Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain and Janis Joplin are all on this list. Most of these artists had troubling lives from struggling with mental illnesses to turning to substances to help ease their pain.
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By the time my mum was 27 she had four kids and was re-sitting her math's GCSE so she could get a decent paying job. 27 seems so far away for me, seven whole years away from the dreaded two seven. By the time I was 16 I went through more than most women do, I wonder what traumatic events could happen to me in the seven years. There’s not many left if I’m being honest.
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Music, its a beautiful thing. It can mould your emotions, it can solidify them or it can tarnish them. Feeling like you need to cry? Play that song that reminds you of an ex. Feeling like you need to dance in your room? Don’t play Billy Joel. Music is such a large part of everyones life, its in the background of your favourite films, its a conversation starter when on a tinder date and it’s up to you how personal you make it. You can tell I take it very personally.
I’m just annoyed that there’s only one song out there called Naomi, and it’s not even that good.